I did something really stupid yesterday. I’ve been feeling down since Sunday was the 6 month anniversary of my mom’s passing. I’ve been in “consumer” mode since then (although, lets face it…I’ve always been a bit of a shopper). In any case, it’s definitely been a bit worse and I have just been buying pretty much whatever I want within reason…ie: not getting myself into debt.
UNTIL….yesterday. I went to Barneys on my day off to scope out the beauty floor, which pretty much sucked. As I was leaving, I decided to look at the bags, and without even taking a run up to the CO-OP floor, I got sidelined by one decidedly expensive and trendy handbag. Before I knew it, I had plunked down my card, arguably for the most expensive item I now own. Signing on the dotted line with a mixture of glee and regret. The awful and funny thing is: I wear a uniform at work every day. I wear Grey’s Anatomy Scrubs!!! I don’t even dress up to go to work or need to look remotely decent on the way there. I don’t need expensive or fancy handbags, because 1. I have a few, and wear them enough, and 2. it looks weird with my so called “outfit” of sweats and Uggs. I really like the bag. I actually love it…probably the idea of it on me and what I’d like to be rather than who I really am and what my daily needs for accessories are. I’m not an editor at Vogue, I’m not getting my picture snapped by The Sartorialist, and if you saw me on the street you certainly wouldn’t think I was a fashion blogger with exceptional style.
I came home, ripped the tags off, loaded it up with my belongings, and made a promise to wear the shit out of the thing so that I got my every cent’s worth out of it. Yes, I thought about returning it, but ultimately I am keeping it to teach myself a lesson in restraint and a lesson in loss. I am going to have to pay for it with my money and in my own head.
Nice things- whether they be lipgloss, handbags, shoes, or even food….they won’t bring my mother back. They won’t bring my grandpa or my grandma, or my cats back. Owning and consuming is NOT going to fill the hole in my heart that was left 6 months ago. It fills me with guilt and regret, because my mother taught me better and I KNOW better. It doesn’t mean that I’m swearing off shopping, but rather employing a bit less impulsiveness and more moderation. I swear, it was like a mania- just BOOM!!! The handbag was mine and that was it, regardless of the consequences. And that was/is wrong.
Ultimately, I don’t need to be a genius to know that the hard earned money I plunked down would be better used in a) therapy, b) going to the gym and eating right, and c) charity.
Consider it a lesson learned.